The last time I posted on these pages, almost a month ago, I wrote about the physical pain I felt after a freak, but still kind of humorous ski accident. An unplanned collision between myself and a block of ice in Galena, IL relegated my left hindquarter to several weeks of existence as a piece of abstract, performance art.
Once a prolific blogger, I haven't been able to write since that time. I wish I could lay blame for my creative coma on an exciting new publishing job. I am now in my seventh week at work ghost writing for a widely respected real estate and financial expert. After a fortnight spent as a deer in headlights, waiting for my boss to uncover my secret lack of talent and send me packing, I am adjusting remarkably well. Turns out I have a much greater mind for writing about personal finance and the housing market than I ever suspected. This is ironic because I am eight years past a personal bankruptcy, my runaway mother's final gift, and I own neither property nor dare to approach a credit card. Go figure.
The story of my life the last two years has been the struggle to obtain a writing career in a decimated job market, which feels even more depressed for purveyors of the pen. I temped, I freelanced, I danced, I interviewed until my eyes crossed, but that mission is finally accomplished.
Now my story takes a different shape: the tale of finding myself and losing a marriage in the process.
I have written, often opaquely, about my complicated, crazy love story with husband Eddie. Two people born continents apart (he: India, me: US), from completely differing family backgrounds (his: traditional and close knit, mine: erratic, unorthodox and unstable) who had very little in common on paper. But opposites attract don't they? And once Eddie and I came together in February of 2006, the proverbial sparks flew. Some might say the flames burned a little too brightly. Even before “I do,” there were the kind of third degree injuries that should have given us both pause.
But we would have none of it, united by stubborness if nothing else. Eddie and I were soulmates, so ignoring warnings from friends, family and co-workers, who saw where our volatility and lack of common ground must lead, we married in a lavish ceremony in India in December of 2007. Pop rock artist Pink released a song right around that time. The track, called “Who Knew?” contains the following lyrics:
“If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them in the mouth, 'cuz they're all wrong.”
That sums up the feelings of a lonely bride in Raipur, a small Indian city, on 12/5/07. I missed receiving my Master's degree in person to marry the man of my dreams. I flew thousands of miles without so much as a friend or family member by my side to watch me walk down the aisle (or around the fire, as the case may be). I agreed to face-saving schemes (for my new family) that required lies about my age and parentage, and worst of all, I pretended not to notice that my groom was a little bit more reluctant than could be explained by the phenomenon of “cold feet.” All this I did because I KNEW Eddie was my destiny. It didn't matter how we got there, just that we did and oh! The stories we'd have for our children.
But there are no children, and now there is no longer a marriage. Almost four weeks ago, we made the mutual and terrible decision to separate. I will move out of our rented condo on the 16th of April. A chain of events that began almost two years ago with infidelity (his), therapy (mine), and a divergence of career and family goals has culminated in two very sad, very tired, very estranged broken hearts.
In the coming weeks, months and years, I will need to learn to live a life I never anticipated but probably should have. There is much more to do, to think and to say before I can begin to make sense of where I stand at the age of 32.5: at long last professionally satisfied, but personally annihilated.