Winners:
Spam
This canned, precooked meat product introduced by Hormel in 1937 and sold in 41 countries around the world turned out to be a literal lifesaver for the 3,300 passengers stranded on the Carnival Splendor. The ship was finally towed back to San Diego this week after three days adrift without power. Just when we thought the era of heavily salted, processed foods had jumped the shark, mysterious gelatinous glaze stages a roaring comeback.
Chinese Architecture
The upside to denying over 1 billion citizens personal freedoms is that a government is able to mobilize and complete infrastructure projects with lightening speed. Witness the story this week of China's completion of a 15-story hotel in just six days. Using pre-fabricated materials, the structure was assembled in record time, without injury to any of the crew. Meanwhile back in the States, we're working on 25 years of trying to get the much needed Hudson River Tunnel started.
The NFL
If he can be believed this time, the 41 year-old quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings will finally free the sports world from headlines about his drug use, false retirements and infidelity. The athlete announced on Friday that the end of this season would be his last, and there is reason to believe he might be sincere this time as his career is currently a smoldering ruin of scandal and injury. The NFL, which has much reason to appreciate Favre's past contributions to the game, would still do well to be rid of this prima donna cancer once and for all.
Losers:
Carnival Cruises
Fire! A Spam buffet! Overflowing toilets! No power! Let the lawsuits begin, despite Carnival's vow to fully refund all passenger tickets, as well as issue vouchers for future travel.
Anand Vasudev
The ousted contestant on this season of NBC's The Apprentice became the first to be dropped for breaking the rules and lying about it directly to The Donald's face. The irony is that the infraction, which occurred on a task in which Vasudev's team buried their opponents, proved to be both unnecessary and unproductive. The contestant smuggled a secret cell phone and sent text messages asking a friend to bring him money. The shady play backfired and not only that, but the mistake afforded Trump a great, if entirely cynical, PR opportunity. As the Donald prepared to fire Anand, he took a moment to pontificate on the corporate underhandedness that has lead America to the dismal economic place that it currently occupies.
Viewers of Dancing with the Stars
Yes, the final four includes the talent of pop singer Brandy, the inspiration of cancer survivor and Dirty Dancing icon Jennifer Grey, as well as the youthful exuberance of Disney star Kyle Massey. However, for eight torturous weeks now, the viewers have also had to endue the whiny, ungifted listlessness of teen mother Bristol Palin. Nevermind that the only thing Bristol did to become a "star" was have premarital sex before becoming the ultimate abstinence advocacy hypocrite. She absolutely sucks as a dancer, and since that is what the show is all about, here's hoping the Red States take an early Thanksgiving break from their recent fondness for voting.
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Brett Favre is lying. He will "retire," but soon realize that ESPN is no longer talking about him because they actually discovered that there are other things in the sports world to talk about. He will then publicly hem and haw until training camp is over, thus ensuring that when he does return, he doesn't have to learn a silly playbook that might distract him from his normal routine of throwing the ball to the other team. As is their wont, the sports press will drop everything else they're doing to talk about Brett Favre. Seriously, Disney should just establish a separate ESPN-BF channel so that anyone who actually hasn't figured out what an egotistical asshat Brett Favre can go there for round the clock Favre-wanking and the rest of us don't have to acknowledge the existence of this giant egotistical phony.
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