While I was having dinner with Jen and Eddie last Thursday, my friend Wyatt gave me a ring and asked me to call him back right away. It sounded urgent and any number of awful scenarios sprang to my mind, in large part because it seems so many people in my peer group have become afflicted with out of the ordinary traumas and ailments. But it turns out Wyatt, my former co-worker from 2005-2007, had some good news to report: he and his new bride Monica, married last August, are expecting.
Once I recovered from the immense dread that weighed in my chest as I dialed the phone, I experienced a strange brew of joy and shock. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised as the 37 year-old Wyatt, who declared he'd never remarry when I met him, had obviously waived away that vow. So naturally, I should have seen the claim that he'd never procreate was also in jeopardy. I found my equilibrium and gave he and the Mrs. my most genuine congrats.
But here is the problem this creates for me: for each friend of mine, no matter how wild a partier in their former lives, who takes a step toward parenthood, my own excuses for abstaining, presented to my in-laws in a weekly web chat, become more and more flimsy. First I was just too young, then I was too newlywed, Eddie was traveling, I was attempting to get this writing career off the ground (still true), we were moving, etc. As I sit here rounding the corner toward 32, husband firmly on the ground and home each night, about to move into a fabulous condo, even I can see that the sands in the in-law filibustering hourglass have nearly run out.
So what's next? It seems, gulp, honesty. The truth: I do not want kids and probably never will. Eddie almost entirely echoes my sentiments (though the vain part of him is curious about a mini-Bon Jovi or Bon Joviette). But we have talked endlessly and we just don't, for a variety of reasons, think childrearing is for us.
However, we have not been brave enough yet to say this out loud, definitely, to stand down the intimidating force of the Indian parental unit. Call it a cultural difference if you want, although Eddie is not subject, but native Indian parents just do not see the point of getting married without the "blessing" of children. They feel that life (naturally, mostly for the wife) can never be complete without procreation.
Once we gather up the sack to make clear that the likelihood of Boop Jr. is minimal, I expect horror, tears, pleas, anger, not the least because Eddie is my in-laws only viable option in terms of grandchildren. Eddie has an older brother, Sonu, who has been bedridden since the age of two (a sad story for another time). I have complete sympthy for my in-laws desire to move forward with the future generation after a lifetime of taking care of their own sick child. I just can't share their desire, and in the end, it isn't right to bring a baby into the world to make someone else happy.
I really have no ending argument for this post. I am simply sharing my fears of a confrontation that is soon to come, one in which I must hold my ground. In the past, I have been known to buckle and take certain steps in my endless quest for others approval, but I know instinctively, this is not a time for ingratiating myself at the sake of my own vision.
Once I recovered from the immense dread that weighed in my chest as I dialed the phone, I experienced a strange brew of joy and shock. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised as the 37 year-old Wyatt, who declared he'd never remarry when I met him, had obviously waived away that vow. So naturally, I should have seen the claim that he'd never procreate was also in jeopardy. I found my equilibrium and gave he and the Mrs. my most genuine congrats.
But here is the problem this creates for me: for each friend of mine, no matter how wild a partier in their former lives, who takes a step toward parenthood, my own excuses for abstaining, presented to my in-laws in a weekly web chat, become more and more flimsy. First I was just too young, then I was too newlywed, Eddie was traveling, I was attempting to get this writing career off the ground (still true), we were moving, etc. As I sit here rounding the corner toward 32, husband firmly on the ground and home each night, about to move into a fabulous condo, even I can see that the sands in the in-law filibustering hourglass have nearly run out.
So what's next? It seems, gulp, honesty. The truth: I do not want kids and probably never will. Eddie almost entirely echoes my sentiments (though the vain part of him is curious about a mini-Bon Jovi or Bon Joviette). But we have talked endlessly and we just don't, for a variety of reasons, think childrearing is for us.
However, we have not been brave enough yet to say this out loud, definitely, to stand down the intimidating force of the Indian parental unit. Call it a cultural difference if you want, although Eddie is not subject, but native Indian parents just do not see the point of getting married without the "blessing" of children. They feel that life (naturally, mostly for the wife) can never be complete without procreation.
Once we gather up the sack to make clear that the likelihood of Boop Jr. is minimal, I expect horror, tears, pleas, anger, not the least because Eddie is my in-laws only viable option in terms of grandchildren. Eddie has an older brother, Sonu, who has been bedridden since the age of two (a sad story for another time). I have complete sympthy for my in-laws desire to move forward with the future generation after a lifetime of taking care of their own sick child. I just can't share their desire, and in the end, it isn't right to bring a baby into the world to make someone else happy.
I really have no ending argument for this post. I am simply sharing my fears of a confrontation that is soon to come, one in which I must hold my ground. In the past, I have been known to buckle and take certain steps in my endless quest for others approval, but I know instinctively, this is not a time for ingratiating myself at the sake of my own vision.
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You need not justify or make excuses for your decision to anyone. Even family. I have three daughters as you know, and being a father is not just the single greatest responsibility in my life, it is without a doubt best thing about my life. It also involves many sacrifices that I'm happy to make. That said, in no way would I presume that everyone else's life should take the same path. I know we've talked about this many times. My first child was born when I was 37 yrs old. Thru my twenties and early thirties I had no strong desire to be a father. But I'm thankful now. You may see the world a little differently at 38 or 39 and have a different opinion on having kids than you do at 31 or 32. I know many that have. Or you may not...and that is fine as well. The decision is yours and Eddie's alone. Whatever your decision, you needn't apologize to anyone about it.
ReplyDeleteMr. A
What people have to realize is having a child is a very selfish act. And to raise that child, you have to be self-less. I see plenty of the former and little of the latter. May your husband and you be selfish with yourselves and enjoy life whether you have kids or not.
ReplyDeleteIt's a much braver decision to not have children than to have them, given what society pressures us to do. If it is not something you have a burning desire to do, then why would you? There are plenty of ways to have kids in your life--you have your nieces and Kaia, too, plus you can volunteer, mentor, host an exchange student, lots of things. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
ReplyDelete-Cindy
I've always found it perturbing that people find it to be their business what others do with their own bodies and lives when it doesn't affect them. As a matter of fact, bearing children puts a tremendous economic burden on society. So if people want to poke their noses where they don't belong, they can suggest adoption. I say that tongue-in-cheek, because there is a danger in having such a strong assumption about the needs and desires of each human being. Having a child in one's life requires tremendous sacrifice. How can one sacrifice what they don't have? There is too much personal growth to be had to have the automatic expectation of becoming a parent.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why everyone thinks we should all throw a hatchling into the gene pool. The earth is over-populated as it is, with limited resources. It is selfish to have a child, as someone commented earlier. Yes, there is the maternal instinct, but it is also influenced by the curiosity of seeing if one can do it and how the child will turn out. It is probably a marvel to experience.
That being said, childbirth is not a miracle; science fully explains the process. So, let's all get over it. It should be a non-issue for anyone who is not doing the procreating and the people charged to their care. I wonder how many people would have children if societal pressures to do so were removed from the equation.
Until the decision was made for me, I was planning on having children. What happened to me was a mixed blessing. Objectively, I had to admit that I couldn't be the type of mother I would strive to be if I didn't abandon my own wants and needs. I realized that I wouldn't be willing to do that. For that, I readily admit I am both too selfish and too selfless to have children.
I thank everyone for the really positive feedback and reinforcement. And Cindy, just for the record, I count Kaia among my nieces if that's ok. Her great big, "Hello Aunt Becky!" as she came toddling up the stairs last weekend made my day. I do love kids and the role of "Cool Aunt Becky with the Fun, If Not Childproof" house. I admit it, I am a little bit scared of my in-laws though. I don't think they'll view the issue with the same equanimity as the commenters do. I just need to grow a pair.
ReplyDeleteWhen have you ever hesitated to tell someone to "shut the f!@K up"? I learned a while ago now that you try gently at first, and if they don't hear you and love you for who you are anyway, they aren't worth the courtesy of being gentle. Its time to just fess up, as they say, and tell it like it is. Besides, I wouldn't want to deal with your pregnant, wining, paranoid, afraid-of-doctors ASS anyway!
ReplyDelete