DANCING WITH THE STARS WEEK 1 RECAP

With all this talk of health care, wars, economic meltdown, etc. I felt it was high time to dumb it down for a bit of escapism at its finest: Dancing With the Stars Season 10 kickoff breakdown. I was uber excited about this season from the moment the new cast was announced, and after 2 hours I was not left disappointed. Here is the show, as seen through my eyes.

Chad Johnson starts off the show. "Who's that?" you ask, after scanning the cast list and finding no such name? Well, my friends, its the douche who thought it cool to legally change his surname to his NFL jersey number en espanol. Geez. As they roll the intro package, I am taken aback with how quickly I am able to cast aside his doucheyness to focus squarely on his hotness. Wow. That one took me by surprise. His partner, Cheryl Burke, is a two-time DWTS champ so he is in good hands. He looks a bit awkward during the Cha Cha Cha, but has potential. And...we are off and running. SCORE: 18

Next we have TVs (and mine) favorite bad girl. She may as well go by Brenda Walsh, but its Shannen Doherty to her daddy. She looks to be one hip shake away from vomit the entire time. She quickly becomes the first to sass the judges this season, cutting off Bruno mid critique to inform him the only opinion she cares about is her dad's. True Brenda Bitch fashion. SCORE: 18

Erin Andrews take to the stage next in what I find to be the best costume of all the contestants. She looked like a hot little banana. She shows some mega potential IF she can control her noodles, as KK referred to them as. EA couldn't seem to wrangle her lanky arms and legs. I will say this: Maksim Chmerkovsky makes a most delicious dance partner. Hubba hubba! SCORE: 21

Jake Pavelka continues to work (abuse) the rose theme by presenting one to Chelsie Hightower at the start of the dance. He annoys the living sh!t out of me and therefore I have nothing positive to say other than the fact that his fiance Vienna appeared to look less ugly than usual sitting in the audience cheering him on with the perma-sinister grin she is now famous for. I have never wanted 15 minutes to pass by faster... SCORE: 20

Niecy Nash. Oh, Niecy Nash. I knew little of her before this other than what shows she has been on (that I never watched) but once she was done, I was ready to pass a rose her way myself! Her personality is just beautiful. My new favorite phrase is "jiggly bits", and while I don't love mine as much as she loves hers I will root for her all the way to the end! That girl has confidence, spunk, and rhythm that COULD take her a long way if people pick up the phone and vote. I love her. As a side note, Louis van Amstel floats my boat too. SCORE: 18

Gold medal king Evan Lysacek looked fantastic for his first spin on the dance floor. He should be elegant given his background, and he was. Can't wait to see some of his personality come out though. A bit too stiff in that arena for my liking. Does anyone else get the feeling that, in real life, he might be a bit "difficult" shall we say? Just a hunch. His partner came across as a bit of a ding bat in the Q & A following the performance, but I'll forgive her because she has fabulous hair. SCORE: 23

Buzz Aldrin. He's 80 and adorable but has no place on this show. Sorry Buzz. You gotsta go. SCORE: 14

Nicole Sherzinger TORE IT UP! That chick was amazing. But as I have said during previous seasons, its almost unfair to have people like her on the show. Fine, she has never danced ballroom before (and we hear THAT defense a lot) but she has previously made a living gyrating to choreography in one way or another and has an automatic leg up (pun most certainly intended). See Joey Fatone, Mya, etc. for evidence. If I had to call a winner right now based on ability it would be her. But we know from seasons past that it could end up being a fan favorite (see Donny Osmond) taking home the trophy. SCORE: 25

Now to the point in the show where I practically had to take a cold shower. Aiden Turner, my soap opera husband and his SUPER HOTTIE partner Edyta Sliwinska. She is ridiculous smokin' hot and, were I a lesbian, she would be my type. OMG her body is sick. The judges thought they were worse than I did, so I hope they come out with a bang next week so they can stay in the game. Not sure he has the fan base nationwide needed to stay in the game for a long time. SCORE: 15

Kate Gosselin sucks at life, sucks at parenting, and sucks at dancing. Nuff said. SCORE: 16

Pamela Anderson closed out the show. She wasn't awful, but she wasn't great either. Her outfit BARELY covered her naughty bits (shocking!) and it looked like a hand mixer was responsible for getting her hair ready for the performance. I don't need to see her for more than a few episodes. She's a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. SCORE: 21